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How can I make friends at Church?
Fitting in at Church
Here are a few tips for people who have just started going to Church
and are having trouble fitting in. One of the big issues is how strange
it can all seem to begin with. You might have been to a meeting and
something the Pastor said seemed to make sense to you, maybe you are
not really sure what happened but you seemed to sense something real,
something you never felt before but a peaceful feeling that you can’t
describe. What you felt may well have been what Christians call the
‘anointing’ or the ‘presence of God’, we believe that God is everywhere
so he is always there with us but sometimes he likes to comfort us by
making us aware of his presence in a special way. Whatever drew you to
Jesus, you may still be wondering ‘What are
they talking about?’ and ‘How do I fit in and feel like I’m part of all
this?’ Well you are not alone; it is not unusual to feel like that but
as you get to know people in a Church and to understand more of the
words that they are using you start to fit in. Some good ways of
getting up to speed with Christian words and beliefs include
doing an Alpha Course or something similar, reading
the Gospels and becoming part of a small group or Bible study
group. Ask your Minister or Pastor about these things if you don’t know
what I’m talking about.
How can I make friends?
Making friends at a Church is not much different to making friends
anywhere except that it is easier in the respect that Christians tend
to be friendlier but harder in that because we come from such a wide
range of backgrounds we might have less in common (apart from our love
for Jesus). If you go to a large Church (like I do) you might find it
easy to get lost in the crowd so it may take a bit more initiative on
your part to make friends in that situation but the best way around
that is to become part of a small group.
So what are some ways to make friends?
Some of the basic rules include smiling and making eye contact, make an
effort to remember a person’s name. A tip for remembering someone’s
name is to repeat their name about three times, you can say things like
‘it is good to meet you John’ and ‘I have a relative called John’ etc.
Try not to talk about yourself too much, if they are asking questions
about you then it’s ok but don’t let the conversation be just about
yourself.
Listen to people actively, nod and agree with them, ask them questions
about themselves. Try to find out what they like to talk about, try
asking them about their interests, their work and their family.
Don’t forget the ‘Golden Rule’; treat other people the way that you
would like to be treated. Give people complements when it is
appropriate but be sincere, don’t just flatter people
in an insincere way for the sake of making them like you. Try not to be
consistently critical or pessimistic; avoid talking about your
problems.
But what if you are shy like me and know all the theory about making
friends but find it a real effort just to remember all the rules and
emotionally draining to keep actively participating in a conversation?
Persistence works best for me, just keep trying, try to remember the
rules when you can, make an effort when you can but don’t give up when
things don’t work out the first time. Become involved in your
Church,
you will find that being part of a small group helps a lot. I keep
talking about small groups but I can’t emphasise them enough since they
are a real key to making friends at Church.
What if you have tried to make friends but you just don’t fit in?
There are some extreme situations where some Christians are more
concerned about doing the right thing and about holding on to the
‘Status
Quo’ than about sharing the love of God to people who don’t normally go
to Church or people who have just started going. If most of the people
in the Church are like that to you, (and I mean most, not just one or
two people) if they are all critical of what you wear then it might be
better for you to look for a more contemporary Church that will relate
to you and help you to grow as a Christian. But please do not take that
as a message from God to you. Pray about it and seek good advice first.
See ‘Should I leave my Church?’
Our true friend who will never leave us or forsake us
Maybe you are not a Christian or you are a Christian who is put off by
divisions in the Church. Some of what I’ve said may sound
negative but I assure you that most Christians have good Christian
friends. Even Christian friends can argue and hurt each other
occasionally but the Bible teaches about forgiveness and putting things
right and the act of forgiveness can turn a negative situation in an
opportunity to grow.
Try to bear in mind that people are not perfect, and because we are all
different, some churches will relate to some types of people better
than they relate to others.
But there is someone who unites us all, who
feels all of our misery, who cares about
our every need and who is longing to bring us out of our solitude
and despair and give us a family full of friends.
That someone is Jesus and Jesus is a real person who loves
you more than you can
imagine. If you ask Jesus to be your Lord and Saviour then he will be
your eternal friend. He says “I will never leave you
or forsake you” and he means every word of it. Jesus can heal depression. In his
book “90 Minutes in Heaven”, Don Piper tells how God took away his
depression and helped him to cope in spite of the physical pain that he
was feeling. He also tells how the church cared for him and looked
after him and his family. A lot of bad things are said about the church
but you never seem to hear of how great it can be to be part of a good
church. If you ask Jesus to be your saviour then you will have a family
full of friends. If you look hard enough, I’m sure you could find a
Church that relates to you.
No matter who you are or what you have done, God loves you and he
want’s to be closer to you that a brother. He say’s
"Look! Here I
stand
at the door and knock. If you hear me calling and open the door, I will
come in, and we will share a meal as friends.” Rev 3:20 (NLT)
He is waiting for you, if you want to be part of his family then read
the page How do you become a
Christian?
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